Fifty Shades of Float

We’re living at the historical peak of cultural sexual saturation. Pop culture, advertising and the all-mighty dollar have commodified the sexual experience to the extent that a home-made porno is just another check on a typical celebrity resume. Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies worth more than our country build fortunes on the flaccid genitalia of millions and, perhaps more disturbingly, bad Twilight fan-fiction turns into cultural canon in the form of Fifty Shades of Grey.

It turns out that sex sells, but good sex sells better. In the area of sexual optimisation, the float tank offers a unique opportunity to decalcify the libido and untangle whatever mental barbs are preventing a fully-realised sex life in a way that the fictional escapism of 50 Shades just can’t match. Why voyeuristically experience someone else’s fantasy, when with the help of the float tank you can realise your own.

We all intuitively understand that the best sex is a holistic experience with physiological, emotional and psychological elements. It takes presence – you’re not going to reach a nirvanic post-orgasm plateau if your mind is fixated on a big contract at work. The deep relaxation and therapeutic environment of the float tank can free you from anxiety and work-related depression through subtly affecting your biochemistry and the associated responses to it. Significantly reduced adrenaline, increased endorphins and a surplus of serotonin enable higher feelings of pleasure and an enhanced experience.

Similarly, floatation tanks have been proven to alleviate phobia, the effects of trauma and negative thought patterns. In more extreme cases, this has helped victims of sexual assault process their experience and heal. More commonly, residual feelings of guilt or repression left over from the inevitable weirdness of growing up in a society with a schizophrenic attitude towards sex can be overcome. A conscious and compassionate lover is a good lover.

On a physical level, if you’re tense, stressed and calcified, your options are going to be pretty limited in terms of what you can pull off. Floating regulates hormone production, remedies muscle pain and improves the health of your skin. Further, consider the physical benefits experienced by professional athletes in their sporting career, and apply that to the bedroom. There are simply no downsides to being limber, flexible and relaxed in bed.

During arousal our sexual organs are flooded with blood, the more the better. Conveniently, the deep relaxation experienced in a floatation tank also regulates blood pressure and ensures maximum blood flow around the body. Nothing more needs to be said there.

In a culture engaged in the pursuit of the perfect orgasm, only the float tank offers benefits on levels both psychological and physiological. Forget your pills, your Cosmo mag and your 50 Shades, if you’re serious about getting the most of your sex life, you can’t look past the tank for scientifically-proven biological enhancement. Trust me on that one.